Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Why Choose Coleslaw?

After cringing at my first wink, I ventured out and explored the profiles a little. There are so many! At first, I didn’t want to over-eliminate them. I would see a picture that to me looked like an ogre and think, “well he might have a great personality...”
But this isn’t about settling. That’s what I did before. Internet dating is like a buffet: you pay a lot of money to have a thousand choices, so why would you eat coleslaw? I’m tryin’ for crab legs and creme brulee here.
As I flipped through the pictures I realized that I was actually repulsed by many. If I could just tune in to exactly what it is that I find unattractive, then I can create two lists. The first lit is my “automatic elimination” list. Just one of these traits means that I will delete their message and block their profile:
  1. A flat-billed baseball hat, flashing a piece sign, or visible gold jewelry.
  2. Punctuation, capitalization, or spelling mistakes. Ew. Nothing says desirable like a guy who “cant wate too meat me.”
  3. socks with sandals (that’s always been a rule for me)
  4. Taking the picture at an angle thinking it hides your double chin
  5. Actually, just having a double chin
  6. Wearing a trench coat. Creepy.
  7. Having StarWars characters, a greek god, the word “dawg” (or any derivation thereof) in your screen name. 
  8. A profile picture featuring you and a ferret. So. Not. Sexy.
Then there were other more subtle things that I realized I had a negative reaction to. I made a “probably not” list of these:
  1. Guys who take pictures of themselves--especially in the mirror. Do you not have friends?
  2. Hanging sunglasses on a shirt collar or pocket. I find this habit really irritating.
  3. Guys who point out negative things about themselves, or things that they DON”T want in a girl in their profile. Some would say they “don’t want drama”, which made me suddenly think, “Would I be too dramatic?” No. I’m just a bitchy. It’s different, but the “don’t likes” made me feel insecure.
  4. Less than a bachelors degree. 
  5. Non-drinkers. Really? If you don’t love beer you can’t possibly love me.
Whew, that just about eliminates 90% of all male online daters between the ages of 20 and 76. My next mission is to figure out what I actually am attracted to. Ferrets will not be on that list.


  1. I don't understand what's wrong with sunglasses on a shirt collar or pocket. What am I supposed to do with them?

  2. Oh no, you do it, too!? There's no reasoning behind that one, just an unjustified viceral annoyance of mine. I don't have a solution for you. Just know that no one else in the world is bothered.