The Inquisition

The Comedian and I went on another one of his secretive mystery dates. My only clue this time was that there would be lasers. I made sure he would mind me calling them “frickin’ lasers” in a terrible Dr. Evil voice before I agreed. It turned out to be a little trip to our local laser maze. We each got to pretend we were on a top secret mission to break into a bank or something. I won’t lie-- it was a little scary. You go into a dark room by yourself, then all these laser beams come on and you have to do some serious kung-fu yoga moves to get through them. I think the Comedian may have been a little nervous too-- he gets bonus points for being adventurous and outgoing. Those are necessary traits for someone to be with me. Even more necessary than well rolled button-up shirt sleeves.

After our “frickin’ laser” adventure, we went to dinner and then on a walk. I dug a little deep with the conversation. That’s a strange thing about internet dating: you’re both paying as much for your dating membership as you are for your water bill, so there’s no messin’ around. You don’t wonder if they’re looking for a relationship. If you go on more than one date, you don’t wonder if they’re interested in you. You don’t have to dance or shuffle around what you really want to ask them-- you just ask. When I realized I was actually re-considering my original declaration to not date him, I just let it fly:

“Do you ever want to get married again?”

“Would you have more children? Would you want to?”

“What are your thoughts on changing jobs to live closer?” 

"Do you want to travel?"

"I have two uvulas-- does that bother you?" (Yep-- you should Google that one, readers)

The Spanish Inquisition had nothing on me that night. And this all should have scared him away, but it didn’t. He just held my hand and thought about each section of the interrogation and seemed to have all the answers I was looking for (one more time, yes, with the right person, yes, yes, and "no---wait what is that?"). 

We spent the whole night talking. A little rain storm moved over us and we kissed in the rain, we watched mice run into the trash cans near where we were sitting (which amused us both), we talked about racing our Hoverounds some more, and he pointed out his own use of alliteration. I finally looked at the clock and was stunned to see it was 5:30 in the morning. 

I’m going to spare you all the mushy details and just say that I realized when I looked at the clock that there was no one else I would ever want to spend an entire night talking with. I’ve only met 14 guys. I can’t very well change my blog/challenge to “try fourteen.” Who in the hell would read that? What’s even worse is that I’m supposed to go out of town with The Hunter in a couple weeks. I know The Comedian is a much better match for me already. I’m pretty smitten. But reservations have been made and The Hunter and I are officially going. That won’t be awkward at all.   

Burn Baby Burn!

Went on two dates again today. I find it’s the most efficient use of my time to do my hair and make-up once and go on two dates. It’s genius, really. The first date was with the tech-company co-owner. He makes iPhone apps and is a graphic artist, so I’ll call him App Man. In the pictures on his profile he is not particularly cute...no, I definitely wouldn’t describe him as cute. He’s a little...different looking. Maybe it’s because he’s 6’7’’ tall or because he’s part African American, but looks totally white. I figured it was worth the gamble. And the gamble paid off. This guy is sexy in a magnetically exotic way. As my good friend would say, he’s the kind of guy that makes you think “just one night...”

And that’s exactly what I was thinking while we ate our Vietnamese lunch together. Everything was fine. We were going through the normal internet date discussion/interview process ( how many siblings do you have? Where are you from? Tell me about your career ) when, all of the sudden, his phone lights up and a picture of a very attractive young girl’s face fills the screen. It was most definitely not his mother. What does App Man do? He says, “Sorry, I have to get this” then picks it up and goes outside... OUTSIDE!!! He proceeds to have what seems to be a robust conversation. He even stands behind a small tree so that I can’t see him; except that I can see him because it is not possible for a 6’7” human being to hide behind a decorative shrubbery. Then he comes back in, sits down, apologizes again, and continues eating. 

We went mini-golfing after our lunch and it was fun...but not nearly as fun as it was with The Comedian. App Man was a little flirtatious, which I liked, but I don’t think I can ever forgive him for the phone call-behind-the-shrubbery-in-the-middle-of-our-first-date incident.     

I was glad to head off to meet The Comedian to see a baseball game. He made friends with the random kid sitting next to him, and we made subtle and off-color jokes that kept us laughing for nine innings. My favorite was when two scantily clad preteens walked by with their mother, who was just as underdressed. The Comedian goes, “Wow, it’s a hoodrat, hoodrat, and a hootchy mama.” I earned more imaginary relationship points for singing during the 7^th inning stretch. We went out to eat after the game at a cheesy casino restaurant (yes, for those of you that are tallying the free meals, I’ve had at least a billion. And yes, I am getting fatter on every date). And then... in the middle of our meal.. he pulls out his phone and says “I don’t mean to be rude...but I am being rude... I’ll be right back. Don’t leave.”

I thought I was going to rip my hair out. What the hell? Is it national no-manners-on-a-date day? Clearly I missed the memo. 

The Comedian comes back to the table, sits down and says, “See? It’s perfect for this moment.” He props his phone up in the middle of the table and proudly shows me the digital fireplace that is flickering with little digital flames. He wasn’t being rude-- he was finding a spot where he could get internet so that he could bring me a fireplace. I couldn’t eat for a few minutes because I was too busy laughing. The two of us ate the rest of our food in the flickering faux firelight. He turned the volume up to get extra crackling effect. Our waitress had a good laugh, too, and said she was going to be telling people about that all night. If you would like this ambient fireplace app, you can find it at http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/fireplace-app/id409930131?mt=12. 

The Comedian is not what I’m looking for. He has kids, doesn’t drink, and didn’t graduate from college (he said that on day four they asked him to make an art project about his name with construction paper and glue sticks, so he just left). He’s not competitive or physically impressive. He wears glasses and drives a car with a maroon velvet interior. But he seems like the unexpected protagonist in a romantic comedy. I totally want him to get the girl... but I’m not so sure I want that girl to be me.

Awesomosity and Algae

So the guy with the ferret in his profile picture (refer to #8 on the list from “Why Choose Coleslaw?”) came up as one of my “matches” today. Why am I paying for this? If I wanted a weird ferret guy I could just go to Petsmart’s rodent section. 

I do feel like I’m scraping the bottom of the match.com barrel. Out of my 7 daily matches, I have typically already looked at or dated at least three. But I am going to squeeze every bit of dating juice that I can out of my membership before I join another site. I have two new dates tentatively set for next week. One is a tall tech-company co-owner that likes to run and is planning to travel around the world. The other is in grad school. He is holding parrots in his picture and has a charmingly cute smile. You’ll never believe what he’s studying...algae. I immediately thought of Chaco’s algae discussions. Really? Two algae studiers? Evidently “algal ecology” is all the rage these days. But maybe he’s a fungi, so I’ll give him a chance (I am so, so sorry, Reader, that you had to endure that joke). 

The Comedian wrote me an email saying that he thought we had potential for “awesomosity.” Damn, he broke out superpowers of word creation. That always works on me. Every time. He said he had something adventurous that he wanted to do for a third date. I have no idea what that may be. This is a guy who ran away from bats crying “They’re in my hair!” 

I’m sad to say that Chaco and I have fizzled. He said a couple of comments that seemed like he was frustrated with me dating other guys and not “knowing what we were doing.” I think he was too cool for me anyways. I should have known when he said that flash mobs were “so over” that it wasn’t going to work out. I really have no idea (nor do I care) what is “over” or not. I know what is fun...to me... and that’s really all that matters. He needs to find someone more self-conscious. 

We went to dinner after our dance lessons. We had an amicable discussion, but when we walked to our cars we kind of just waved and said good-bye from ten feet away. No kiss. We have one more dance lesson left next week. I won’t mind going but I won’t mind when it’s over, either. I’m ready to turn a new page in this story and meet some new gentlemen prospects. 

I’m going to The Hunter’s house tonight to roast marshmallows. We have officially reached the casual-hang-out stage. I know, you don’t have to tell me this is a bad idea. I almost didn’t write about it because I fear the judgements you will most certainly make (you will be right); but I feel my friends, acquaintances, and the three people in Malaysia who read this deserve to know. 

My Own Amusement

Miniature golf with The Comedian was outstanding. He wore a golf shirt. It was made of tech fabric and had white stripes down each side. We went to dinner first, then headed off to prove ourselves on the green. Here are the highlights for you: 

1. There was a huge cave we had to walk in. We discovered there were real, live bats (or maybe birds?) squeaking in the dark. The Comedian busted out his tiny keychain flashlight and tried to climb up to see them, then ran away like a little girl. 
2. There was a giant worm... with a mustache and a cigar and a sombrero-like hat (ridiculous picture provided below). We decided it was a Cuban worm, and The Comedian rode it for a photo. 

3. I earned 700 points for jumping the fence so that we could play the other course without paying. 

In the end we played three courses and had plenty of laughs. We went for some frozen yogurt and I told him again that I don’t want to date anyone with kids. I also told him about my Try Twenty-Five mission. With me saying “I don’t want to date anyone with kids, “ and “I’m going to date 16 more men to break my pattern of unsuccessful serial monogamy,” I thought  he would give up. I even described dating him as a “dead end road.” His response? “Well maybe there’s a path where the road ends and we’ll go for a hike.” Mmm...no. But I feel like I have a personal entertainer, which is pretty cool. He’s been warned; so I’m going to not feel guilty and go on a third date purely for my own amusement. 

Today I’m going to get my car fixed by The Hunter. He ordered a part for me and everything. It’s like both he and The Comedian want to be used. Weird. I feel pretty spoiled and a little guilty; but they both know I’m dating other people. I think they both assume they are the favorite (I don’t have a favorite). The Archeologist doesn’t seem to mind that I’m dating other people, either. Chaco is the only one that has seemed to mind at all. I’m beginning to wonder what is wrong with these men? 

Hoverounds

I was going to call this divorced-with-kids guy “The Flatterer” because in his email he pretty much told me I was amazing. However, after meeting him, he definitely needs a name change. I may have never met such a funny person in my life. My abdominal muscles were sore the next day. Here were some of the highlights of our conversation: 

1. Him telling a story about another internet date that didn’t eat, drink, or say anything for an entire baseball game. I wish I had the audio of it for you. 
2. Him saying that stutters are cool because talking to someone who stutters is like having a personal DJ (Stutter impression included).
3. We discussed how cool it is to be old because you can do and say whatever you want. This naturally led into discussing which scooter is superior-- the Hoveround or the Rascal. We decided Hoveround. Then we talked about how we’d get them custom painted-- mine in paisley and his in plaid. 
4. I said that he was “quirky.” He said, “Quirky or Corky? Because if you said Corky I’d have to taaaalk like theeeeiis” (that was a down’s syndrome voice-- difficult to type that). So offensive... and so hilarious. I almost cried. 

So from now on he will be called “The Comedian.” His outstanding ability to make me laugh earned him a potential second date. But there are some serious red flags that I could never actually date him. First, the divorced thing. I have my own baggage. It’s like if my potential future relationship is an airplane, I’m definitely hogging the overhead storage area; so whatever he brings on board had better fit under the seat in front of him. I don’t think you can fit a divorce under the seat. 

Second, the kids. He is fairly young, so I’m picturing like a three and one year-old or something. No. They’re full grown little people (like 10!). When I’m 46, his oldest kid will be 30. That’s icky to me. 

Third, he doesn’t drink. It causes some sort of pancreas reaction. Understandable, but probably not dateable for me. Beer is an important part of my life. 

Now that I just listed those negatives, I feel like I shouldn’t have agreed to a second date. Is that fair to know I don’t want to really date him, but to agree to go on another date? I did tell him from the start that I didn’t want to date anyone with kids. 

The date with The Comedian made me rethink the challenge a little bit. A whole string of rhetorical questions surfaced: What’s the goal? What do I want to happen at the end? Am I picking the “winner” of the 25? Am I dating 25 men to avoid commitment to any one? What if I really like number 17, but have gotten attached to number 4 or 5? 

I need to think through what the goal is. I knew from the start that I wanted to learn more about myself and what I wanted. I’m not even close to figuring that out yet. I don’t think I even necessarily want to end up with someone at the end of the 25. I know that sounds counter-productive. I might be happy with a few new friends and a better idea of what I’m looking for. I don’t think I have the cahones to stop dating anyone. I’ve never been the breaker-upper. Maybe this is about me learning to do that. I think dating 25 men definitely was a subconscious attempt to avoid commitment because, frankly, commitment doesn’t work out so well for me. The one thing I do know for sure is that costom-painted Hoveround races through Walmart sound way better than Cats and Whisky. 

Love to Travell

A match emailed me today, so I checked out his profile. He seemed reasonable at first glance; but when I looked closer it was a "no" for sure. The problem was that he likes to travell. This spelling definitely puts the wrong emphAsis on the wrong syllAble, and makes the word rhyme with repel, or sell, or...hell. And it wasn't a typo. He is a travelling traveller that likes to travell. He has travelled some, but would like to do more travelling in the future. I deleted the email.

I can not date a man who travells; but, tonight I am going to meet a man that breaks some of my other preferences. He is divorced AND has kids. That is so not what I'm looking for. He emailed me and gave me "+1000 points" for the things I said in my profile. Then he wrote that I "have a classic beauty that oozes personality and charm." I don't know about the oozing part. I'm not sure I want to "ooze" (he should read about connotation), but he's quite The Flatterer. I feel like I'm a little stuck in The Mission-- I haven't had a "new" date in weeks and I just need to go meet somebody. Why not meet someone that thinks I ooze personality and charm? I was very upfront with him when I responded to the email. I told him that I was not looking to date anyone with kids, but that I didn't think it would hurt to meet him. He said he admired my honesty and gave me 500 more points. I'm racking them up like an NBA all-star game. We'll see if I can keep up the winning streak tonight.