Hoverounds

I was going to call this divorced-with-kids guy “The Flatterer” because in his email he pretty much told me I was amazing. However, after meeting him, he definitely needs a name change. I may have never met such a funny person in my life. My abdominal muscles were sore the next day. Here were some of the highlights of our conversation: 

1. Him telling a story about another internet date that didn’t eat, drink, or say anything for an entire baseball game. I wish I had the audio of it for you. 
2. Him saying that stutters are cool because talking to someone who stutters is like having a personal DJ (Stutter impression included).
3. We discussed how cool it is to be old because you can do and say whatever you want. This naturally led into discussing which scooter is superior-- the Hoveround or the Rascal. We decided Hoveround. Then we talked about how we’d get them custom painted-- mine in paisley and his in plaid. 
4. I said that he was “quirky.” He said, “Quirky or Corky? Because if you said Corky I’d have to taaaalk like theeeeiis” (that was a down’s syndrome voice-- difficult to type that). So offensive... and so hilarious. I almost cried. 

So from now on he will be called “The Comedian.” His outstanding ability to make me laugh earned him a potential second date. But there are some serious red flags that I could never actually date him. First, the divorced thing. I have my own baggage. It’s like if my potential future relationship is an airplane, I’m definitely hogging the overhead storage area; so whatever he brings on board had better fit under the seat in front of him. I don’t think you can fit a divorce under the seat. 

Second, the kids. He is fairly young, so I’m picturing like a three and one year-old or something. No. They’re full grown little people (like 10!). When I’m 46, his oldest kid will be 30. That’s icky to me. 

Third, he doesn’t drink. It causes some sort of pancreas reaction. Understandable, but probably not dateable for me. Beer is an important part of my life. 

Now that I just listed those negatives, I feel like I shouldn’t have agreed to a second date. Is that fair to know I don’t want to really date him, but to agree to go on another date? I did tell him from the start that I didn’t want to date anyone with kids. 

The date with The Comedian made me rethink the challenge a little bit. A whole string of rhetorical questions surfaced: What’s the goal? What do I want to happen at the end? Am I picking the “winner” of the 25? Am I dating 25 men to avoid commitment to any one? What if I really like number 17, but have gotten attached to number 4 or 5? 

I need to think through what the goal is. I knew from the start that I wanted to learn more about myself and what I wanted. I’m not even close to figuring that out yet. I don’t think I even necessarily want to end up with someone at the end of the 25. I know that sounds counter-productive. I might be happy with a few new friends and a better idea of what I’m looking for. I don’t think I have the cahones to stop dating anyone. I’ve never been the breaker-upper. Maybe this is about me learning to do that. I think dating 25 men definitely was a subconscious attempt to avoid commitment because, frankly, commitment doesn’t work out so well for me. The one thing I do know for sure is that costom-painted Hoveround races through Walmart sound way better than Cats and Whisky. 

Love to Travell

A match emailed me today, so I checked out his profile. He seemed reasonable at first glance; but when I looked closer it was a "no" for sure. The problem was that he likes to travell. This spelling definitely puts the wrong emphAsis on the wrong syllAble, and makes the word rhyme with repel, or sell, or...hell. And it wasn't a typo. He is a travelling traveller that likes to travell. He has travelled some, but would like to do more travelling in the future. I deleted the email.

I can not date a man who travells; but, tonight I am going to meet a man that breaks some of my other preferences. He is divorced AND has kids. That is so not what I'm looking for. He emailed me and gave me "+1000 points" for the things I said in my profile. Then he wrote that I "have a classic beauty that oozes personality and charm." I don't know about the oozing part. I'm not sure I want to "ooze" (he should read about connotation), but he's quite The Flatterer. I feel like I'm a little stuck in The Mission-- I haven't had a "new" date in weeks and I just need to go meet somebody. Why not meet someone that thinks I ooze personality and charm? I was very upfront with him when I responded to the email. I told him that I was not looking to date anyone with kids, but that I didn't think it would hurt to meet him. He said he admired my honesty and gave me 500 more points. I'm racking them up like an NBA all-star game. We'll see if I can keep up the winning streak tonight.

Misuse of Connotative Words

Like I said a couple of days ago, my date prospects are waning. I am no longer the new girl on Match and the number of winks and emails has decreased to only one or two per day. Try Twenty-Five is only Try Six right now. That’s not nearly as good. 

So instead of waiting for people to be interested in me I jumped in and did a little search of my own: Male, 25-30 years old, at least 5’11”. I didn’t just skim over the thumbnails, I started opening and reading each one. Bald picture? I read it. A picture with a litter of kids? Read it. If there had been a picture of a man in a straw hat and a bolo tie, I would have read that too. 

What did I discover? I have been missing out on the best comedic experience ever. In fact, I started to take notes on these amazing profile-writing follies and have sorted them into categories so that I can share them with you. 

Today I will be discussing the category I call Misuse of Connotative Words-- words that have a dictionary meaning, but you think of a very different meaning when you see or hear them. For example here is a username I found. I’ve changed it here to protect this unfortunate man’s identity, but it was something very similar to “Thruster1452.” The dictionary  defines a “thruster” as “a small rocket attached to a spacecraft.” I definitely didn’t think of aerospace. 

Then there was the man who wrote in his profile, “I do have lots of stamina” when discussing his running and hiking abilities. Really? You could have chosen endurance, or fortitude, but you went with stamina? I’m picturing this guy with a beaming smile, leg up on a coffee table or something, and a bottle of Viagra held in the air like the Statue of Liberty holds her torch. “I’ve got STAMINA!!!” 

On a less sexual note there was one man who starts his profile off with this stunning first sentence: “I am a 27 year old male.” Not man, not guy...male. It made me think of the dog descriptions at the Humane Society. The next line could have been "I can sit on command, I like to play frisbee, but I like to jump so I should go to a home with at least a six-foot fence."  I should have emailed him to see if he was updated on his shots. 

This next one’s pretty good because it makes the reader so incredibly uncomfortable. I bet it will work on you, too. It appeared right in the middle of this guy's profile description of himself. Just read this and see how you feel:

                                                         I enjoy “delving into your psyche.” 

Did it work? Did it make you a little sick to your stomach or give you goosebumps or something? Wow, at least he comes across as a psychopathic serial killer right from the start. That could get real uncomfortable if that sentence came out over some casual drinks. 

Now, not all guys are ignorant when it comes to word choice. Some, in fact, are masterful at the art of euphemism. Like the guy that wrote, “I am the shop foreman for a computer store.” I’m pretty sure this means he’s the greeter. But doesn’t that sound better? “Shop foreman.” It has a nice ring to it. Authoritative, even. Maybe I should think of a euphemism for my job. I’m not a teacher, I’m a “director of literacy development.” I’d better go change that now...

Spotted

One of the greatest reasons to internet date is that I get to meet all kinds of people I’ve never met, and will probably never meet outside of our double-blind, top-secret codenamed online dating universe. Online dating doesn’t just expand my pool of prospective partners, it gives me a whole new pool. Or it’s supposed to. 

I just checked my email and found that a classmate from my high school had found me. I was discovered-- exposed. Now someone from the real world knew that I was looking for dates in the digital world. It felt like running into an acquaintance in the “family planning” section at WalMart. Eek! Stay calm, I thought. Reno’s a small town. It makes sense. I probably just came up in his matches-- it happens to the best of us. He probably just enjoyed a little chuckle and we will both pretend like it never happened. It’s all going to be okay.

Except that it’s not-- because he saw my profile and clicked “Yes, I’m interested!” 

Holy hell. I really don’t think it’s possible he didn’t recognize me. I’m not one of those people who has changed since high school. I look exactly the same as I did when I was eighteen. And my screen name has a recognizable section of my first name in it. Nope, there’s no escaping it. I’ve been spotted.

Public Service Announcement

When creating an internet dating profile, consider these points:

1) The most over-used and meaningless terms you could possibly have in your profile are: laid back, fun loving, adventurous, easy going, outdoorsy, and "likes to try new things." If you write any of these it really means, "There is nothing outstanding or original about me at all."

2) The body type "athletic and toned" should only be chosen if you can do at least six push-ups in a row.

3) Your whole personal quote may not show up by your thumnail picture. So if your quote is "looking for someone to ride shotgun," what actually appears as your first impression is, "looking for someone to ride."


Just so you know.

Jitters

I have my first date tonight with The Hunter. I have reviewed his profile and there are some definite highlights: he is tall, has a degree in finance, and wears a baseball hat well. In my profile I say I would like to mini-golf. He is the only one that has taken me up on it. My worries are, in this order: that I am going to get axe-murdered, that we will have nothing to talk about, or that he will have a third nipple. I’m nervous, so I’m starting the evening with some wine and Kings of Leon while I do my hair.  

Workin' It

Okay, I thought I would get a couple of people interested every week if I was lucky. I’ve gotten twenty-four winks, eight emails, and a few people trying to IM me. I’m pretty much a secretary now: check the email, go through potential matches, email back any possibilities, repeat.  I’m excited-- I guess I’m getting my money’s worth. But it sort of feels like feeding the birds at the park. You really only need a few but what you get is a mob of waddling, swooping, flying stalkers and it can really be overwhelming. I’m learning to be liberal with the “no thanks” response option. This is good for me (as discussed in ‘The Mission’).

The hard secretarial work is paying off. I have three dates set up for this weekend. The first date I’ll call “The Hunter”. He has good sideburns (I should add that to my “ooh” list) and a tattoo of a dog on his shoulder. It promises to be interesting. 

The “Ooh” List

Looked at more profiles. Found some things other than the obvious athletic and attractive that I’m definitely drawn to. 

1. Nice shirts with rolled sleeves and good collars.
2. Grad degrees
3. Good teeth
4. Pictures of men with dogs (especially puppies)
5. Families mentioned in profiles. One guy said he has a “genius sister” and an “awesome” mom.
6. Men who like their jobs.
7. Men who are tall--  I like to wear heels.

This is progress. I’ve got an “automatic elimination list”, a “probably not” list, and an “ooh” list. 

By considering all three I’ve got a picture of my perfect guy: At least 6’2”, loves his job which he got with his grad degree, likes to go out on Friday night with his sleeves rolled and talk about how much he loves his family and his dog while drinking a microbrew in a way that shows off his good teeth. 

Because that’ll be easy to find. 

Why Choose Coleslaw?

After cringing at my first wink, I ventured out and explored the profiles a little. There are so many! At first, I didn’t want to over-eliminate them. I would see a picture that to me looked like an ogre and think, “well he might have a great personality...”

But this isn’t about settling. That’s what I did before. Internet dating is like a buffet: you pay a lot of money to have a thousand choices, so why would you eat coleslaw? I’m tryin’ for crab legs and creme brulee here.

As I flipped through the pictures I realized that I was actually repulsed by many. If I could just tune in to exactly what it is that I find unattractive, then I can create two lists. The first lit is my “automatic elimination” list. Just one of these traits means that I will delete their message and block their profile:

1. A flat-billed baseball hat, flashing a piece sign, or visible gold jewelry.
2. Punctuation, capitalization, or spelling mistakes. Ew. Nothing says desirable like a guy who “cant wate too meat me.”
3. socks with sandals (that’s always been a rule for me)
4. Taking the picture at an angle thinking it hides your double chin
5. Actually, just having a double chin
6. Wearing a trench coat. Creepy.
7. Having StarWars characters, a greek god, the word “dawg” (or any derivation thereof) in your screen name. 
8. A profile picture featuring you and a ferret. So. Not. Sexy.

Then there were other more subtle things that I realized I had a negative reaction to. I made a “probably not” list of these:

1. Guys who take pictures of themselves--especially in the mirror. Do you not have friends?
2. Hanging sunglasses on a shirt collar or pocket. I find this habit really irritating.
3. Guys who point out negative things about themselves, or things that they DON”T want in a girl in their profile. Some would say they “don’t want drama”, which made me suddenly think, “Would I be too dramatic?” No. I’m just a bitchy. It’s different, but the “don’t likes” made me feel insecure.
4. Less than a bachelors degree. 
5. Non-drinkers. Really? If you don’t love beer you can’t possibly love me.

Whew, that just about eliminates 90% of all male online daters between the ages of 20 and 76. My next mission is to figure out what I actually am attracted to. Ferrets will not be on that list.

First Wink

So my first “wink” was from a Mexican father in his forties. His profile began, “Hola. I am Luis.” I don’t think I’m open-minded enough for this. I’m glad I didn’t write “open-minded” in my profile. 

Selective Inclusion

Note to self: Set aside an hour and a half to make a profile. It’s laborious. What color are your eyes? How tall are you? What is your body type? What’s your astrological sign? How long is your big toe? Then they want pictures of you in specific situations: Outside, inside, with friends, doing a handstand, with family, with a pet, with a midget from Kansas. Okay, a couple of those aren’t really in there. 

The hardest part is talking about yourself. You want to sell yourself, but at the same time be realistic and not sound like a pompous ass.  I teach English and in the end I decided to take my own advice-- show, don’t tell. So instead of telling my future dates that I am fantastic in every way, I told them that I “sing in the car” and “dance when I vacuum” and that I am a teacher who tries to “positively influence others.” I decided to leave out that I can eat a whole large pizza by myself, have long conversations with my dog, and I smell-check dirty clothes from the floor before wearing them. I think of it as selective inclusion of details. 

When I finished, I felt pretty good. I had to do some real self-evaluation and introspection in the process, but spending that much time focusing on positive things about myself reminded me that I am totally, completely datable. Wait, gotta go-- just got my first “wink”. I don’t even know what that is...

The Mission

So let’s get started. Here’s a little background that you’ll need to know to understand this journey. I am a serial monogamist. Since I was 15, I’ve been in one long term relationship after another. And I have the unfortunate ability to make a mediocre relationship last way beyond its natural expiration date. I am interested in so many things and can adjust to so many situations that guys just fall in love with me. Don’t laugh. I’m being serious. I can feel happy and right at home in the middle of the wilderness, or in a formal dress at a fancy restaurant, or at a rodeo, or at a Rush concert, or on a wildlife refuge in South Africa, or at a poetry reading, or drinking a PBR at a motocross race. It’s really a curse because I seem to fit...with anyone...anywhere. But it’s never a perfect fit, obviously, because I get to the two-year-are-we-going-to-get-married-or-not point and its always a not. 

I’ve made myself a promise. And I’m making it to you, too, readers, that I will go on dates with 25 men before making any... and I mean any... type of commitment. I also promise not to be too picky. This is all about being open-minded and expanding my horizons, right? But I have a feeling it will be a bit colorful, possibly tragic, and hopefully humorous. Are you with me?

Cats and Whisky

I finally caved. After months of being single, sitting on my couch on Saturday nights watching crime shows, drinking wine alone, and calculating the days until I turn 30, I made the decision. I had just finished my 100^th sudoku puzzle. It was the last page in the book. 100 puzzles, for those of you that aren’t addicted yet, is a serious commitment. And I was finished. I threw the book away and thought, “now what?”

I realized, in that moment, that if I did not do something about my lack of social life I may grow old and die with a cat (or six) on my lap, a stupid sudoku puzzle in my hand, and a whisky on the rocks on my nightstand. 

Let’s stop here for a second. I’m sure you are picturing that I’m less than attractive. I must be to have that kind of life, right? Wrong. I have the right number of fingers and toes. No speech impediments. No missing teeth. I have a college degree and some grad credits, too. I’m in decent shape. I hike. I run. I own a house. I have a career. I had just reached a strange point in my life where there was not much opportunity to meet new people. All of my friends are in relationships. They are paired up like penguins all happy and content. I work as a teacher--not many men in that field. And life is not like a movie. No one will walk up to me in the coffee shop or see me on an elevator one day to revolutionize my life. I’m never even in an elevator. I own a house. 

Okay let’s go back, now. I threw away the sudoku book and decided to start internet dating. Embarrassing? Not compared to the vision I had with the cats and the whisky. I also decided to write about it. I know there are other amazing women out there in the same place where I found myself. And I know internet dating is terrifying. Really, it is. I’m pretty sure Jeffrey Dahmer would be internet dating if he were alive. 

So I want to share my experience with you. At the very least I’ll entertain you, but hopefully I can be like a pioneer, leading the way for highly-datable people to log on and find what they are missing. Just take a minute to picture yourself in thirty years. Are you alone? Is there a bottle in the picture? Multiple cats? Maybe a weird hobby like building tiny ships out of toothpicks? If so, I’m doing this for you.