Hoverounds

I was going to call this divorced-with-kids guy “The Flatterer” because in his email he pretty much told me I was amazing. However, after meeting him, he definitely needs a name change. I may have never met such a funny person in my life. My abdominal muscles were sore the next day. Here were some of the highlights of our conversation: 

1. Him telling a story about another internet date that didn’t eat, drink, or say anything for an entire baseball game. I wish I had the audio of it for you. 
2. Him saying that stutters are cool because talking to someone who stutters is like having a personal DJ (Stutter impression included).
3. We discussed how cool it is to be old because you can do and say whatever you want. This naturally led into discussing which scooter is superior-- the Hoveround or the Rascal. We decided Hoveround. Then we talked about how we’d get them custom painted-- mine in paisley and his in plaid. 
4. I said that he was “quirky.” He said, “Quirky or Corky? Because if you said Corky I’d have to taaaalk like theeeeiis” (that was a down’s syndrome voice-- difficult to type that). So offensive... and so hilarious. I almost cried. 

So from now on he will be called “The Comedian.” His outstanding ability to make me laugh earned him a potential second date. But there are some serious red flags that I could never actually date him. First, the divorced thing. I have my own baggage. It’s like if my potential future relationship is an airplane, I’m definitely hogging the overhead storage area; so whatever he brings on board had better fit under the seat in front of him. I don’t think you can fit a divorce under the seat. 

Second, the kids. He is fairly young, so I’m picturing like a three and one year-old or something. No. They’re full grown little people (like 10!). When I’m 46, his oldest kid will be 30. That’s icky to me. 

Third, he doesn’t drink. It causes some sort of pancreas reaction. Understandable, but probably not dateable for me. Beer is an important part of my life. 

Now that I just listed those negatives, I feel like I shouldn’t have agreed to a second date. Is that fair to know I don’t want to really date him, but to agree to go on another date? I did tell him from the start that I didn’t want to date anyone with kids. 

The date with The Comedian made me rethink the challenge a little bit. A whole string of rhetorical questions surfaced: What’s the goal? What do I want to happen at the end? Am I picking the “winner” of the 25? Am I dating 25 men to avoid commitment to any one? What if I really like number 17, but have gotten attached to number 4 or 5? 

I need to think through what the goal is. I knew from the start that I wanted to learn more about myself and what I wanted. I’m not even close to figuring that out yet. I don’t think I even necessarily want to end up with someone at the end of the 25. I know that sounds counter-productive. I might be happy with a few new friends and a better idea of what I’m looking for. I don’t think I have the cahones to stop dating anyone. I’ve never been the breaker-upper. Maybe this is about me learning to do that. I think dating 25 men definitely was a subconscious attempt to avoid commitment because, frankly, commitment doesn’t work out so well for me. The one thing I do know for sure is that costom-painted Hoveround races through Walmart sound way better than Cats and Whisky.