Friday, July 29, 2011

Burn Baby Burn!

Went on two dates again today. I find it’s the most efficient use of my time to do my hair and make-up once and go on two dates. It’s genius, really. The first date was with the tech-company co-owner. He makes iPhone apps and is a graphic artist, so I’ll call him App Man. In the pictures on his profile he is not particularly, I definitely wouldn’t describe him as cute. He’s a little...different looking. Maybe it’s because he’s 6’7’’ tall or because he’s part African American, but looks totally white. I figured it was worth the gamble. And the gamble paid off. This guy is sexy in a magnetically exotic way. As my good friend would say, he’s the kind of guy that makes you think “just one night...”
And that’s exactly what I was thinking while we ate our Vietnamese lunch together. Everything was fine. We were going through the normal internet date discussion/interview process ( how many siblings do you have? Where are you from? Tell me about your career ) when, all of the sudden, his phone lights up and a picture of a very attractive young girl’s face fills the screen. It was most definitely not his mother. What does App Man do? He says, “Sorry, I have to get this” then picks it up and goes outside... OUTSIDE!!! He proceeds to have what seems to be a robust conversation. He even stands behind a small tree so that I can’t see him; except that I can see him because it is not possible for a 6’7” human being to hide behind a decorative shrubbery. Then he comes back in, sits down, apologizes again, and continues eating. 
We went mini-golfing after our lunch and it was fun...but not nearly as fun as it was with The Comedian. App Man was a little flirtatious, which I liked, but I don’t think I can ever forgive him for the phone call-behind-the-shrubbery-in-the-middle-of-our-first-date incident.     
I was glad to head off to meet The Comedian to see a baseball game. He made friends with the random kid sitting next to him, and we made subtle and off-color jokes that kept us laughing for nine innings. My favorite was when two scantily clad preteens walked by with their mother, who was just as underdressed. The Comedian goes, “Wow, it’s a hoodrat, hoodrat, and a hootchy mama.” I earned more imaginary relationship points for singing during the 7th inning stretch. We went out to eat after the game at a cheesy casino restaurant (yes, for those of you that are tallying the free meals, I’ve had at least a billion. And yes, I am getting fatter on every date). And then... in the middle of our meal.. he pulls out his phone and says “I don’t mean to be rude...but I am being rude... I’ll be right back. Don’t leave.”
I thought I was going to rip my hair out. What the hell? Is it national no-manners-on-a-date day? Clearly I missed the memo. 
The Comedian comes back to the table, sits down and says, “See? It’s perfect for this moment.” He props his phone up in the middle of the table and proudly shows me the digital fireplace that is flickering with little digital flames. He wasn’t being rude-- he was finding a spot where he could get internet so that he could bring me a fireplace. I couldn’t eat for a few minutes because I was too busy laughing. The two of us ate the rest of our food in the flickering faux firelight. He turned the volume up to get extra crackling effect. Our waitress had a good laugh, too, and said she was going to be telling people about that all night. If you would like this ambient fireplace app, you can find it at
The Comedian is not what I’m looking for. He has kids, doesn’t drink, and didn’t graduate from college (he said that on day four they asked him to make an art project about his name with construction paper and glue sticks, so he just left). He’s not competitive or physically impressive. He wears glasses and drives a car with a maroon velvet interior. But he seems like the unexpected protagonist in a romantic comedy. I totally want him to get the girl... but I’m not so sure I want that girl to be me.

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